Relationship stages

Ecological Relationship Cycle*
The Anticipated Process for Individuals, Couples, Families, and Groups

Familiar and Known
The people in a relationship during these stages focus on Stability™ and Consensus™ to stay in familiar and known territory.

Other Validation™

Integration: Two people lose their own distinctions for the cause of togetherness.
When we enter this relationship, “two become one,” like emotional conjoined twins. The ways we are different are less important than the ways we are alike. We discover our common interests; we enjoy the same things, appreciate and admire each other. I don’t really see or pay attention to information about you or the relationship that could be negative or cause conflict. It is difficult to tell where I start and you begin.

Adaptation: Partners feel good making compromises to make the other happy.
We are becoming increasingly significant to each other. I may not completely agree with what you want, but it’s not as important to me that I get my way as long as I know that I am generous in compromising with you. I know you feel the same way. It feels good to be able to give to someone else.


Unresolved Issues (My history, your history, our history together)

Ambiguity: Mixed feelings surface and arguments begin to occur.
I’m getting tired of being the person who always has to give in and give up a part of myself in order to get along with you. I love you, but I’m not sure that love is supposed to be like this. I still love and want to be with you but I am missing parts of myself that I freely gave up for “us.” I sometimes feel trapped, resentful or bored. I want to be with you, but I sometimes want to do my own thing. Things that didn’t used to bother me are beginning to really bother me. I don’t always recognize myself, and I don’t think you do either. And you’re different now. I see all these ways that we are different. You start to judge and criticize me too.

Anxiety: Partners start feeling stressed and take on each other’s tensions.
It used to be that being in a relationship with you made me feel good; now the relationship itself is making me feel nervous. I don’t like it when you get mad or frustrated because I’m afraid it means you don’t love me. But I don’t like it when you are far away and you act like you don’t care. I don’t want to do anything that could cause more tension, so I start holding things back. I have few skills in tolerating anxiety.

Avoidance: Partners ignore each other and/or the problems for lack of a better solution.
I don’t want to think about the hard things in our relationship. It’s easier to act as if everything is fine. I don’t have to face my feelings then. I cope by giving in or by pushing you away. I find myself giving in, ignoring issues, pushing you away or over-doing the things that distract me like work, TV, domestic violence, alcohol/drugs, overeating, engaging in marital sadistic behavior, affairs, spending time with friends, sleeping. These are done to try to reduce anxiety. They get worse when you try to make me deal with our problems. My tactics, such as intimidation, stonewalling, partial information-giving or receiving, shutting down the process of you knowing who I am instead of my self-presentation.


Unfamiliar and Unknown
The people in a relationship during these stages focus on Growth™ and Unilateral Decisions™ to move into unfamiliar and unknown territory.


Gridlock™

Adversity: The partners want different things and are at a point of impasse.
I think we have a “communication problem.” I feel stuck. We can’t get past these issues because neither one of us is willing to change. It hasn’t worked to ignore the problems, but I don’t even know how to talk about them because we both get mad. I know what you will say and you know what I’ll say because we’ve already said them. We have done as much of that as we can. Only the hard issues remain. Everything about this relationship feels hard.

Two-Choice Dilemma™
I feel as if I’m given no choice – then I realize that I have a choice but don’t like either option. I feel that if I stall enough, the magical third option will appear. Sometimes, when I think I can’t stand the anxiety, I will refuse to make the choice, forgetting that that is a choice in and of itself. I have trouble remaining calm in the face of your agenda.

Often partners/people will move back and forth between other validation, unresolved issues, and gridlock for some time before they will take the leap of faith, if ever. Because moving through gridlock is a difficult process, individuals, couples, families, or groups could benefit from resources such as legal services, therapy/counseling, restorative justice (offender-focused peacemaking circle, couples/family-focused healing circles), advocacy, community groups, and cultural healing practices and methods.


Leap of Faith

Reaching Critical Mass™
Things are different now. We are facing the same problem, but I feel like it’s a different experience. When we argued before, sometimes we would give each other the silent treatment, but now that’s replaced with a more reflective kind of silence. I felt before like the pressure was going to make me crack, but now I actually feel calmer. I am telling you things now that I would have kept to myself before out of fear of losing you. I’m also starting to see the big picture. I am beginning to realize that you are not the problem.

Differentiation™
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know that what we’ve been doing isn’t working, and I know that the only thing that I have control over, the only thing that I can change is me. It’s really scary, but I understand that the only way through this is through it, not over or around it. I find that I can soothe my own discomfort, sadness, anxiety or anger and calm myself down by going inward. I learn to balance the you and me.

In some ways, this isn’t about you anymore, and no matter how you react, I still have to do this. It’s the only honest thing I can do. I can be non-reactive to your anxiety. I am focusing on me, not you. I am discovering strengths that I didn’t know I had; I’m getting better at being my best self. I still want to be with you, if that’s possible. I want to be me and be loved by you. I have hope that we can both grow from this experience. I know that I must put my insight to work.

This is where I take a risk to define who I am. I can maintain a clear sense of myself while close to you. I realize that I have to make difficult choices and that these choices will define me and how we relate. Am I going to regress to old behavior and ways or move to and try new behavior/thinking/feeling? During this part of the relationship process, the “one becomes two” with the ability to choose and want. Arguments serve as an opportunity to work through unresolved issues and share information. I may not be able to fix problems, and at times must learn to tolerate the process of moving through it life long. I can tolerate discomfort/pain for moving myself forward (growth).


Self-validation™

Self-regulation: Partners are responsible for calming and reassuring themselves independent of actions or words of the other partner.
I used to think that you had to support and comfort me when I felt sad, anxious, or mad, or when I have felt pain. I would get frustrated because the times when I needed it the most were the times when you could least do it. Now I know that I can’t depend on you to make me feel better. It’s nice when it happens, but I know that I can make me feel better. This is where I learn to balance the intense energies of individuality and togetherness.

Self-definition: The individual has a clear sense of worth and self, and does not rely on the partner for approval.
I learn to approve of, respect, and support myself emotionally. I used to need, even demand, those things from you. I can take care of myself when we go in and out of synch with each other. Even when we disagree, I don’t have to give up myself. I take responsibility for meeting my needs. I can stand on my own two feet.

Self-confrontation: Continued challenge for personal growth and self-awareness.
I continue to work on getting to know myself better. I go inside to figure out what is making me feel, think, and act. I’m trying to act in new ways instead of falling back into old patterns. I want to understand what my part in our conflicts is. I can hear what other people are telling me and then I decide for myself if I agree with their feedback. I can work through problems and not get stuck for long periods of time.


Process recycles at a higher level of differentiation or we regress to old patterns, which can eventually lead to termination of self or the relationship.



™ David M. Schnarch, Marriage and Family Health Center

*Adapted from D. M. Schnarch, Constructing the Sexual Crucible. New York: Norton, 1991; D. M. Schnarch, Passionate Marriage. New York: Owl Book, 1997; J. W. Maddock, Ecological dialectics: An approach to family theory construction, Family Science Review, vol. 6, pp. 21?44.